Normal people don't know what it feels like to be terrified of something and craving it at the same time. This is my relationship with other people. Not just some people, all people. The mere thought of going into an abstract group of people living their normal lives, mortifies me. It's as if I'm walking into a beautiful painting and ruining it in the process. I don't belong with these people. I never have. As I have never felt it natural to be around people. I am terrible at social interaction Being in a conversation with me is like watching a youtube video of a skateboarder missing a landing: painful for everyone involved.
I can't say for sure when this all began, or whether it is biological or sociological. Was I born to be this way, or were outside factors responsible? I know nothing is clinically wrong with me, so I guess it's the latter. To get right down to it, I am an involuntary recluse. My capturer is my own mind. My brain just isn't co-operating. The healthy part has hopes and dreams, and it desperately wants to share meaningful things with other people. This is the part I choose to identify with. The other part drags me along by my hair, forcing me to stay home although everything rides on me showing up. It kicks and screams until I have no choice but to surrender, as if I were not man at all, but a mere puppet. This is me, but at the same time it isn't. No wonder people move away from me.
This isn't just hurting me. I can see how it is affecting my family. It is like a tumor eating away at their happiness. It would only be natural to think that maybe their lives would be easier without me in it. Of course I know they'd disagree, they love me no matter what, yada yada. This is no solution, I know this much. I just wish certain things sometimes. Today I lost again to the bad part of me. I'm sitting here drinking rum at 9 am like some fucking sad "alcoholic writer" wannabe. This is not the person I was supposed to be.