My dream for as long as I can remember has been to act. Where did this impossible dream come from? I would in truth be much happier if I could just accept that I was meant to be a wallflower, living a tedious life in a medium-sized town, with I job I barely tolerate, and wait to retire. But I can't. I won't. For the same reason I am still here trying to get healthy and be over with this disorder. I have to dream. To be honest, it's the only thing keeping me.
Acting. The opposite of what I have been doing most of my life. My disorder has kept me from ever putting myself out there, which is basically what acting is. It's safe to say I have little experience. But the few times I dared perform for others, it was exhilerating, I felt a confidence I've never felt in my life. Still, this doesn't mean I am actually good at it. In fact, my biggest fear is that when I finally have the courage to try, I am told that I am terrible and unteachable.
I used to think this dream was absurdly incongruous to my personality. Now I am not so sure. I mean, I have always wanted to be some other person. Who better to be an actor than someone who would rather be someone else? It may not be healthy, but I'm unhealthy as it is.
The trouble is, though, that where I live does not offer any way for me to explore this. To do this, I would have to move to another country, maybe even to the other side of the world. This terrifies me. I am not good at being alone or with someone else in a familiar place, let alone somewhere unknown! There are so many knots to untangle I don't even know where to begin. But I know I have to do something, ACT.