The World takes a Toll on the Recluse

...The recluse being me.
Sometimes life will beat the shit out of you with a bat until you no longer get up.
I have failed my driver's test three times. Life got me good. But somehow I keep getting up. I have a new appointment in june, and it looks like I'm actually going to try it one more time. I told myself every time I would never put myself through it again, so apparently my word doesn't mean shit. Or maybe I'm stronger than I think.

               Hopefully I will soon be the creep driving the Alfa instead of the girl on the bike



I told my therapist I don't think I enjoy doing anything, which isn't really true at all. She just asks a lot of difficult questions, and after a while I can't think of anything. When I came home I remembered I'd just ordered something online I'm really excited about. Yes, I enjoy online shopping. The feeling of anticipation as I track where the package is, is dangerously addicting. Hopefully I'm able to actually save some money as well, and not just blow it all on things I didn't know I needed in my life until I saw it online.

You Have Got To Read This Book

A lot of the time I find it hard to really get into books everyone recommends. The books that "completely changed how I see things". One aspect of it is definitely that the expectations are too high. Such is the story of all amazing things, whether it is a book, a band, a movie, a store or a place. If it turns out to be good, it's usually still the same good you are used to, not that new feeling you wanted, of something better than good. 

Another part that is very important to me, is privacy. When I read a book, listen to song, or go somewhere, I want to feel that I am the only one reading that book, listening to that song, or discovering that place. How can a song be personal for me if it's personal for other people too? It would be like finding out your lover is not yours alone.

Still, there are some exceptions. When I read White Teeth by Zadie Smith, I knew it was very popular. Perhaps it helped that I had picked up another book of hers in the library before, a book called On Beauty. It was not as popular, but I felt her writing as very personal. It has made me admire her immensely. 

I recently finished reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel. It is a wildly popular book, with even the American President sending a letter to mr. Martel, complimenting his work. If the recommendations didn't build expectations, the Author's Note(which I later found to be deceiving) certainly does the trick. It is made to sound like a true story, told to him by chance while trying to write a book in India. He supposedly meets a man who has a story that "will make you believe in God"(is that a challenge?). The book is that story. How very strange. I still do not understand why his book is set up this way. I had some problems with the ending, too, but that is another story. Now that I have finished this book, I can say that it did not change my religious views in any way, and it probably won't be one of my favorite books.

Nerves...

...my body is riddled with them. I know the statistics, and I do have a good feeling I will pass the driver's test, but what if I don't? There's just so much I can't know. What if I get a difficult route? What if my nerves take over and I make too many mistakes? What if someone else makes a mistake on the road and I don't respond right? What if they ask me something and I blank out? Gaahh!

I feel ya, kid.

I'm Not Gone

I feel bad for not writing here in a long time. It's not that I've been too busy, it's the opposite, if anything. Everything is standing still. I find myself forgetting what month it is.
This week will be different, though. I have several appointments and next monday, I have my driver's test. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. After I found out the date, my dad said he wouldn't tell anyone, which I didn't even think about, but I felt better knowing that. It would be so much pressure to pass if everyone were to know whether I passed or not that day.

I'm trying to think back to what I've done since last time, it really makes me think, what am I doing with my life? I got Netflix, which explains a lot. Mainly, I have spent my nights(and some days) on that and Youtube. A few days ago I found out I couldn't trust anything on Netflix, I totally misjudged a movie and ended up being fully creeped out. The movie was called Megan is Missing, and I thought it would be interesting/so bad it's funny, which it was, in the first part. Watching someone in close-up talk to the camera was so awkward, and I thought the teenagers' world was unrealistic, but maybe that's because I grew up in a much smaller town/country(I also watched Bully, which was heartbreaking, but I didn't recognize anything from my school experience, even though I was bullied).
Then with no real warning what-so-ever, the movie takes an ugly turn.

(Totally unrelated, but this picture makes me smile)

Spoiler alert: Pictures of the missing girl being tortured, dungeons and rape. Then the movie literally ends with ten minutes of a guy digging a grave while she begs for her life.
What the fuck, Netflix? I was so shocked, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Not rated, no warning, no nothing. I feel like I have to do a background search on anything I find on Netflix now.

When it rains

Some surreal things have happened lately. I can feel it in the air, the strangeness of it. Some things are not personal, but still make an impact in our personal lives.
I woke up late two days ago to two news. My sister has malaria, and she is alone in a remote continent. Sure, it sounds worse than it probably is, but it's still very hard, and I can tell my mother feels it weigh on her, especially since she has heard less from her than she likes. One thing we're sure about, though, and that is that my grandmother is not to know until she is safely home with us. It just sounds too bad.

The other thing was that a bridge in our town that we use frequently, has collapsed and people have died. I'm sure people from big cities think it's irrational to take bad things like this to heart. But this is not something normal for us to deal with, and it still sticks. I drove under it myself the day before, and had I still been seeing my psychologist, we might well have been there.

Some times I feel as though I like misery. Murders, disasters, disappearances; I can't help looking at it. I will spend a full day browsing through missing children, just because I feel like someone should. The thought that these missing people have to be somewhere and someone knows something. It stays in my head, like an obsession.

Month of May

This is going to be a hard month. Everyone my age is celebrating the end of "high school", and it's a pretty big deal. I had long ago memorized the year when I would finally be an adult. I feel like I've let down my twelve-year-old self. I fell off that ride, so to speak, where everyone my year went through the same things. Now I don't even know them anymore. Even if I'm able to finish the last two years, it's still too late, and I always will be as long as everyone else is studying. Two years behind. It surprised me on my birthday that I am in fact getting older. To me it feels like arrested development.

On a positive note, my driving lessons are going really well. Hopefully that will help with other parts of my life.

Breaking up with my Psychologist

I was transferred to a new psychologist not too long ago. I didn't feel too positive about it, and I was right not too. She was alright, I could tell she was trying, but she didn't understand me. And worse, she would finish my sentences wrong, changing what I was trying to say. After a long last session(seriously, I sat there silent for maybe 20 minutes), we had a meeting to discuss what to do next. I had decided I was not going back to her, and when they suggested we keep going, I just left the building. I feel bad for how it ended, but enough is enough. Now I just don't want to talk anymore.


As for school, we're having the year annulled(again) so I won't lose my school rights. I applied again as they told me, "just in case". I think my parents thought that meant I have decided to go back, which I haven't even thought possible. I just don't want to disappoint them for now. They need some hope.