Friday, February 8, 2013

No wonder I won't talk about it

I just came back from a meeting with my school. I knew it wasn't going to be good, but I'm now so used to blocking it out that I didn't feel it until I sat down. It's quite heartbreaking, really. This is my second attempt at finishing the second year of school(of three), and I failed again. This time she suggested that I take two years and split up the classes. Since I'm such a basket case, it will probably be the same with the last year. Which means I'll have spent seven years finishing this, while my previous friends are graduating this year. I want to die. I don't even want this education that much, there's nothing I want to do further regarding schools. But I can't mention my ridiculous dreams, since I have no idea how I can actually make that happen.

The reason I still try finishing school, is because of appearances. Then I(well, mostly my parents) wouldn't have anything to say to people who ask what I'm doing with my life. Sitting in that office I realized why I can't seem to believe fully that my dad loves me(or anyone for that matter). He's always supporting me, moving me forward, making all these meetings. But in that moment I said I don't really want to apply to anything after this school anyway and he told me I can't spend my life in my room. I could see contempt in his eyes. Contempt and disgust. Afterwards he smiles, laughs, continues supporting me, but no words can make up for that look.

It hurts me more than anything because he is my only friend. I adore him. I want to be everything he is, and I crave his approval and affection. But I can't feel it. The look tells me he is as disgusted with me as I am. Leaving the office, the first thing on my mind was that I should just kill myself. Four more years so that he might feel proud of me. The last three have been so tiring, I feel like I've aged 20 years. Maybe my dreams were never meant to be, and neither was I.

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