Sunday, December 30, 2012

Holiday summary

Christmas eve went surprisingly well. Judging by the day before, I was too afraid to even think about how it would be. That day was a complete disaster, as every part of the family was upset with someone else. I even cried uncontrollably, like weeps, which I don't do unless I feel I'm at a place where nothing can make things right again. It's funny, though, that my family, who can cause me such anguish, are also the ones who make me feel like everything is right again, if only for a while. I love that about them.

The days after have not been that great. There were two family parties I didn't attend, even though my dad was hosting them. I just can't handle people right now. I feel like a failure, and I can't go through more questions about school and my life. It hurts too much. I just don't want them to look at me. The last party I felt really bad about, and I sent my dad a text early morning asking whether he hated me. I know he'll always say he loves me, but I can't understand that. When I think about myself, all I feel is hate.

Right now I'm faced with a dilemma. I've been "invited" to a party on new years eve(today), but I don't know if I should go. It's something I've wanted to do, but not in this...state. Technically, I don't think it's an invitation if it's not the person hosting inviting you, but they couldn't kick me out. They just never think to invite me. But the thing is, I don't know whether I can go out. I always feel so miserable afterwards. I truly don't know if I can handle another period of serious depression. I need to hold on to some kind of happiness, however small and temporary it may be. Is it better to start the new year feeling miserable or nothing at all?

Shit, and then there's my birthday...

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