The World takes a Toll on the Recluse

...The recluse being me.
Sometimes life will beat the shit out of you with a bat until you no longer get up.
I have failed my driver's test three times. Life got me good. But somehow I keep getting up. I have a new appointment in june, and it looks like I'm actually going to try it one more time. I told myself every time I would never put myself through it again, so apparently my word doesn't mean shit. Or maybe I'm stronger than I think.

               Hopefully I will soon be the creep driving the Alfa instead of the girl on the bike



I told my therapist I don't think I enjoy doing anything, which isn't really true at all. She just asks a lot of difficult questions, and after a while I can't think of anything. When I came home I remembered I'd just ordered something online I'm really excited about. Yes, I enjoy online shopping. The feeling of anticipation as I track where the package is, is dangerously addicting. Hopefully I'm able to actually save some money as well, and not just blow it all on things I didn't know I needed in my life until I saw it online.

Breaking up with my Psychologist

I was transferred to a new psychologist not too long ago. I didn't feel too positive about it, and I was right not too. She was alright, I could tell she was trying, but she didn't understand me. And worse, she would finish my sentences wrong, changing what I was trying to say. After a long last session(seriously, I sat there silent for maybe 20 minutes), we had a meeting to discuss what to do next. I had decided I was not going back to her, and when they suggested we keep going, I just left the building. I feel bad for how it ended, but enough is enough. Now I just don't want to talk anymore.


As for school, we're having the year annulled(again) so I won't lose my school rights. I applied again as they told me, "just in case". I think my parents thought that meant I have decided to go back, which I haven't even thought possible. I just don't want to disappoint them for now. They need some hope.

Low point

I realize I haven't written anything for a while. To be honest, I just haven't felt much since last time. I feel numb. This is because I haven't done anything. If I don't go out and meet my fears, I don't have to be sad. I don't have to be anything. When I go out, I am a failure. I haven't succeeded in anything, and life is passing me by. I won't be able to go back to school with my absence, and really, what's the use of even trying again? It's too fucking depressing trying to finish my second year for the third time.

I don't see my body when I'm alone. It doesn't exist. I don't acknowledge it. If I lived alone, I probably wouldn't even shower. When I am faced with it, I feel horrible. But it is what it is because I ignore it like I ignore all my problems.

Where is my life going? I am heading straight to the grave. I joke to my parents that I'll probably never move out on my own, but be institutionalized instead. The joke is the closest to the truth I've gotten with my parents.

I had a meeting with a pscyhologist last tuesday. She seemed worried. She makes me promise I'll contact her if I feel like I might do something, but the truth is, I probably won't. She also makes me fill out something called BDI, or Beck Depression Inventory. I think I scored a 34, which I guess is a personal record. People always ask what's happened that makes me worse than I was before. Nothing happened, I was just in a situation where I couldn't suppress my life.

I feel like I should call someone right now. I'd like to call my dad, but it's the middle of the night and it's so close to christmas. I don't want to ruin the one time of the year when my parents are in the same room for more than one hour. My dad's been through so much, why do I have to break his heart? So I'll stay quiet. I owe him that.