I'm Not Gone

I feel bad for not writing here in a long time. It's not that I've been too busy, it's the opposite, if anything. Everything is standing still. I find myself forgetting what month it is.
This week will be different, though. I have several appointments and next monday, I have my driver's test. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. After I found out the date, my dad said he wouldn't tell anyone, which I didn't even think about, but I felt better knowing that. It would be so much pressure to pass if everyone were to know whether I passed or not that day.

I'm trying to think back to what I've done since last time, it really makes me think, what am I doing with my life? I got Netflix, which explains a lot. Mainly, I have spent my nights(and some days) on that and Youtube. A few days ago I found out I couldn't trust anything on Netflix, I totally misjudged a movie and ended up being fully creeped out. The movie was called Megan is Missing, and I thought it would be interesting/so bad it's funny, which it was, in the first part. Watching someone in close-up talk to the camera was so awkward, and I thought the teenagers' world was unrealistic, but maybe that's because I grew up in a much smaller town/country(I also watched Bully, which was heartbreaking, but I didn't recognize anything from my school experience, even though I was bullied).
Then with no real warning what-so-ever, the movie takes an ugly turn.

(Totally unrelated, but this picture makes me smile)

Spoiler alert: Pictures of the missing girl being tortured, dungeons and rape. Then the movie literally ends with ten minutes of a guy digging a grave while she begs for her life.
What the fuck, Netflix? I was so shocked, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Not rated, no warning, no nothing. I feel like I have to do a background search on anything I find on Netflix now.

Month of May

This is going to be a hard month. Everyone my age is celebrating the end of "high school", and it's a pretty big deal. I had long ago memorized the year when I would finally be an adult. I feel like I've let down my twelve-year-old self. I fell off that ride, so to speak, where everyone my year went through the same things. Now I don't even know them anymore. Even if I'm able to finish the last two years, it's still too late, and I always will be as long as everyone else is studying. Two years behind. It surprised me on my birthday that I am in fact getting older. To me it feels like arrested development.

On a positive note, my driving lessons are going really well. Hopefully that will help with other parts of my life.

Breaking up with my Psychologist

I was transferred to a new psychologist not too long ago. I didn't feel too positive about it, and I was right not too. She was alright, I could tell she was trying, but she didn't understand me. And worse, she would finish my sentences wrong, changing what I was trying to say. After a long last session(seriously, I sat there silent for maybe 20 minutes), we had a meeting to discuss what to do next. I had decided I was not going back to her, and when they suggested we keep going, I just left the building. I feel bad for how it ended, but enough is enough. Now I just don't want to talk anymore.


As for school, we're having the year annulled(again) so I won't lose my school rights. I applied again as they told me, "just in case". I think my parents thought that meant I have decided to go back, which I haven't even thought possible. I just don't want to disappoint them for now. They need some hope.

No wonder I won't talk about it

I just came back from a meeting with my school. I knew it wasn't going to be good, but I'm now so used to blocking it out that I didn't feel it until I sat down. It's quite heartbreaking, really. This is my second attempt at finishing the second year of school(of three), and I failed again. This time she suggested that I take two years and split up the classes. Since I'm such a basket case, it will probably be the same with the last year. Which means I'll have spent seven years finishing this, while my previous friends are graduating this year. I want to die. I don't even want this education that much, there's nothing I want to do further regarding schools. But I can't mention my ridiculous dreams, since I have no idea how I can actually make that happen.

The reason I still try finishing school, is because of appearances. Then I(well, mostly my parents) wouldn't have anything to say to people who ask what I'm doing with my life. Sitting in that office I realized why I can't seem to believe fully that my dad loves me(or anyone for that matter). He's always supporting me, moving me forward, making all these meetings. But in that moment I said I don't really want to apply to anything after this school anyway and he told me I can't spend my life in my room. I could see contempt in his eyes. Contempt and disgust. Afterwards he smiles, laughs, continues supporting me, but no words can make up for that look.

It hurts me more than anything because he is my only friend. I adore him. I want to be everything he is, and I crave his approval and affection. But I can't feel it. The look tells me he is as disgusted with me as I am. Leaving the office, the first thing on my mind was that I should just kill myself. Four more years so that he might feel proud of me. The last three have been so tiring, I feel like I've aged 20 years. Maybe my dreams were never meant to be, and neither was I.